My husband is a wonderful man who not only took on the responsibilities of being a husband, but also took on the responsibilities of being a father at the same time. When we got married, my daughter, from a previous relationship, was 3 years old. She was certainly a mommy's little angel because it had only been me and her for nearly her entire life, but my husband didn't always view her in the same way.
This conflict around my husband's role in my daughter's life did cause many disagreements in our relationship. One issue we struggled with was discipline and his role in this. I did all of the discipline for her, but many times did not follow through with consequences or let her get away with things because I didn't want to hurt her feelings or upset her. He on the other hand, wanted to set strict boundaries and rules and when he did enforce consequences, I felt like he was targeting her and upsetting her. I would swoop in to comfort her when he wasn't looking. This caused a great deal of conflict because my husband felt that he wasn't being supported in his relationship with our daughter and we really struggled finding his place there.
Two strategies I learned about this week that helped us resolve our conflict were compassionate communication and compromise. The NVC website explains that compassionate communication or nonviolent communication focuses on communicating in a compassionate manner in order to meet everyone's needs (http://www.cnvc.org). Although we did disagree about some things, we both had only the best intentions in mind in regards to my daughter. We both wanted what was best for her. When communicating about this issue, we both expressed our concerns and we were both considerate regarding the other's position. My husband understood that it was difficult for me emotionally to see my daughter upset, while I understood the difficulties he faced with trying to find his role as her step-father. Ultimately, we compromised on most issues. He allowed me to be the lead when dealing with discipline issues and we supported each other and worked as a team when problems with our daughter would arise. I made sure to begin following through with consequences and my husband was less aggressive with these consequences.
Utilizing cooperative strategies which benefited our family relationship and served mutual goals helped us to create a loving and nurturing environment for our daughter (O'Hair and Wiemann, 2012). Although we still have an occasional disagreement or conflict about what is right for our daughter, we rely on compassionate communication and compromise to attack the issue.
References
O'Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2012). Real Communication . Boston: Bedford/St. Martins.
The Center for Nonviolent Communication. (n.d.). NVC Model & NVC Concept. The
Ashli,
ReplyDeleteThank you for allowing us to share in your conflict resolution, sounds like you have a very deep loving and caring relationship, it takes a lot to be able to compromise as you have. Recognizing the issue at hand rather than the attacking each other is important to recognize to alleviate aggression toward each other or words we really don't mean. I too found NVC useful in my own personal relationship and will be utilizing it to allow myself to see others through a more compassionate lens realizing pleasure through the well being of others. Your angel is a lucky little girl!
Ashli,
ReplyDeleteI was in a mixed-family situation in my earlier years and I wish that I had knowledge of the skills we learned about this week as they would have come in handy. I believe that it takes a big person to have the willingness to want to resolve conflict constructively and as we learn, without violence as mentioned in the NVC concepts. I can definitely remember times when I put my needs above the other person's needs which is why those conflict result in negative outcomes. I appreciate this week's lesson as I know you do.
Ashli,
ReplyDeleteMy children were blessed just as your daughter was to have a good man to come into their lives and influence them in a positive manner. In the past relationships that many of us have experienced we did not have the knowledge that we have now. Many times we embrace the fight or flight syndrome and we run away from issues. But the good thing is that we are learning what it takes to handle conflicts effectively.